At some point in the healing process, many people find themselves thinking:
“I should be better by now.”
“Why am I still struggling with this?”
“Everyone else seems further along than me.”

If that thought has been weighing on you, you’re not alone—and more importantly, you’re not failing.

The Myth of Where You “Should” Be

Healing is often described as progress: forward movement, growth, resolution. But real healing is rarely linear. It doesn’t move in a straight line or follow a predictable schedule. There are pauses. There are setbacks. There are moments when old pain resurfaces even after long periods of feeling okay.

The idea that you should be at a certain emotional place by now usually comes from comparison—either to others or to an imagined version of yourself who “handled things better.” That comparison can quietly turn into shame.

And shame has a way of slowing healing down, not speeding it up.

Why You Might Feel Behind (Even When You’re Not)

Feeling “behind” often has less to do with effort and more to do with the complexity of what you’re carrying. Factors that can affect your healing timeline include:

The depth or duration of the pain you experienced
Whether your sense of safety or trust was impacted
Past experiences that were reactivated
How much support you had (or didn’t have) at the time
How your nervous system responds to stress and trauma

None of these are character flaws. They’re human realities.

Progress Doesn’t Always Look Like Feeling Better

Sometimes progress looks like:

Recognizing your triggers sooner
Pausing instead of reacting
Naming your emotions instead of avoiding them
Asking for help when you used to stay silent
Feeling the pain instead of numbing it

You may still feel tired, sad, angry, or stuck—but the way you relate to those feelings might be changing. That counts, even if it doesn’t feel impressive.

Being Hard on Yourself Isn’t Motivation

Many people believe self-criticism will push them forward. In reality, constantly telling yourself you’re behind often keeps you stuck in survival mode.

Healing tends to move more freely when there is:

Self-compassion instead of self-judgment
Curiosity instead of criticism
Permission to go at your own pace

You don’t heal faster by being cruel to yourself. You heal by feeling safe enough to be honest about where you are.

It’s Okay to Meet Yourself Where You Are

You are allowed to acknowledge that you’re not where you hoped you’d be without turning that into a verdict on your worth or strength.

Meeting yourself where you are doesn’t mean giving up. It means starting from reality instead of fighting it.

A gentler question than “Why am I not over this?” might be:

What does my nervous system need right now?
What am I still carrying that hasn’t been tended to yet?
What would support look like at this stage?

You’re Not Late to Your Own Healing

There is no universal timeline for growth, grief, recovery, or change. You are not behind. You are on your path, responding to your experiences, with the tools and capacity you have in this moment.

Healing isn’t about catching up to some imaginary finish line. It’s about continuing—again and again—to show up for yourself, even when it’s slow, messy, or disappointing.

And if today all you can do is acknowledge that you’re tired of feeling “not far enough,” that, too, is a step.

You are not broken.
You are not weak.
You are still healing.

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