Some argue the attachment that we form with others begins in utero. From the moment we leave our mothers’ womb, the umbilical cord is cut and we are posited to rely heavily on our caregiver for our primal needs. A paradox, to think about how innately and closely bound we our to our primary caregiver—yet simultaneously, we are obliged to find our own way in the world that is separate from him/her/they.
Quite literally and figuratively, the way in which we identify with those we form close bonds with in adulthood is a direct reflection of the attachment style formed in childhood.
It may not surprise you that the quality of the relationship formed between the caregiver and child is critical to the way in which individuals respond to and identify with interpersonal relationships in adulthood.
However, you may not be aware of just how bound you are subconsciously to your own attachment style as well as how it impacts your relationships with others.
Now, the good news is that the attachment style formed in childhood is not fixed. The more aware you are of your attachment style, the more conscious you will become of your interactions and internal responses to others. Hence, through awareness and behavioral change, you will be able to alter your internal reactions to others accordingly, ultimately evolving into a more secure attachment style. This process requires a great deal of effort but If anything is worth fighting for, this is it.
In modern day times, individuals’ have identified several means of attachment styles. For parsimonious purposes, I like to stick with the original three, as I find that it is more efficient to understand and work with psychological concepts in simplest terms.
3 Types of Attachment Styles
SECURE - ‘Healthy’ Attachment. As a child, you were given the freedom to roam freely while simultaneously feeling safe, secure and protected by your caregiver. In adulthood, this translates to you being comfortable with intimacy and more satisfied in your relationships. You are understanding of others shortcomings and you permit your partner to live an independent life within the container of your intimate partnership. Your relationship(s) are trusting, supportive and honest.
ANXIOUS - Often characterized as co-dependent, worrisome and ‘clingy’. As a child, you didn’t know when your caregiver was to leave and/or return. You felt as though your caregivers’ love for you was conditional. In adulthood, you are often anxious about being ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ for your intimate partnerships. A manifestation of this can present as manipulative behavior such as attention seeking, jealousy etc. as a means to confirm or deny whether your partner actually cares about you. Ironically, you may subconsciously take actions to push your partner away when in actuality, you are most fearful of your partner leaving you in the first place. Hence, your innate fear of not being enough is reaffirmed and validated, over and over again.
AVOIDANT - As a child you, may have experienced a great deal of trauma, pain and/or suffering inflicted upon you by your caregiver. May that be physical, emotional, psychological abuse and/or neglect; your bond with your caregiver lead to a subconscious fear of becoming ‘too close’ or intimate in any given relationship. In adulthood, you may literally avoid intimate partnerships as a means to prevent a replica of the dynamic between you and your caregiver. If you do become romantically involved, you keep your partner at a distance, you expect them to leave you and so you beat them to the punch. You present as “hot” and “cold”. You have no real organized way or getting your needs met. As much as you keep your partner at arms length to prevent a similar pattern to that of childhood, ironically, you are reinacting the behavior of your caregiver.
*Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment often attract one another. While the anxiously attached is actively pursuing individuals who avoid; the avoidant type is always being chased.
HOW TO BREAK THE CYLCE
Therapy - creating awareness is key!
Only seek out partners with secure attachment.
Reflect, respond and don’t react. Repeat.
Its important to note that attachment is a life long process and there is no “quick fix”. Resist the urge to ‘shuffle’ your deck of cards—rather, take a closer look at the hand you’ve been dealt.
Consider this: think about promoting growth and insight into the attachment style that you identify with. Not only can you learn a lot about yourself and how you relate to others — you can ultimately prevent and/or mend heartache, interpersonal conflict and relational challenges. Not to mention mitigate symptoms of anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, etc. The list goes on and on.
